Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
