I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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