Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize