I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
