this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
