Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
