he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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