I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
