dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
