I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
