There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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