Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize