I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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