You work out of a Hotel?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
