turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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