Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize