I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
