And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
