you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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