I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
