my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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