i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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