Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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