i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
