im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
