A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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