I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
