Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize