Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Michael Bay diarrhea
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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