at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
