Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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