I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
