Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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