I'm going to rape someone's good day.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
