i wish my penis had a tongue
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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