the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
