My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
