my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
