Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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