I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
