Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I want to fling myself into the sun
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