I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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