i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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