I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm too high and old for this...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
