mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I checked into jail on foursquare
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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