I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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