I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
