help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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