i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
