your parents love me but you hate me
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize