You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
