she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
