Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Your cock deserves a montage
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
