Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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