I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
