Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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