onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
