Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
