Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize