o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
