I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
