just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she woke up with a sticky ear
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
