He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize