guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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