I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
