I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So here I am, sexting at work.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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