If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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