Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
